8/22/2021

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If your partner is actively having an affair — or even thinking about starting to stray — you might be able to tell by the changes in their online habits. While you can't put the blame on the likes of Instagram or Facebook, there is a link between social media and infidelity. And that's because, in many ways, 'social media has made cheating more accessible,' Theresa Herring, LMFT, a Chicago-area couples therapist, tells Bustle. 'What starts off as a harmless communication can spiral into a full-on emotional and/or physical affair.'

It has a lot to do with the easy access to other people, and the attention they can provide. 'People use social media to cheat when they are unhappy with their lives and/or their relationships,' Herring says. 'It usually [starts when] a [..] person is giving them the validation that they've been seeking. They rediscover a lost part of themselves, feel like someone appreciates them for who they are, and it's off to the races.'

That doesn't mean, however, that all is lost, that social media is evil, or that you need to monitor your partner's every move online. (That's not healthy for you or for them.) It also doesn't necessarily mean your partner is more likely to cheat, just because they're active on social media. But small changes can be one of the first sign's somethings up.

These are things to be conscious of, especially if you're feeling disconnected from your partner, or have reason to suspect them of cheating. 'If you can recognize the signs early, you can more quickly strengthen the relationship to avoid or heal from an affair,' Herring says. Here are a few social media habits experts say might mean your partner is starting to stray, as well as what to do about it.

When you're in a relationship, you tend to meet each other's friends — or at the very least hear stories about them. So if your partner's name is constantly popping up in threads with people you've never heard about, take note.

'Why is your significant other engaging a random person you've never heard of that they don't know from work or their friend group?' This can be cause for concern, David Bennett, a certified counselor and relationship expert at The Popular Man, tells Bustle. If they've never mentioned the person before, and yet it seems like they know each other well, there may be a reason why they're being a bit secretive.

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In situations like this one, it's always a good idea to have a heart-to-heart and let your partner know how you're feeling, whether that's concerned, confused, etc. If they aren't thinking of cheating, they'll have a reasonable explanation. And they may even realize it's time to introduce you to their new friends.

It isn't a big deal if your partner likes someone else's posts, or if they have a running commentary with a friend or an ex. But if it seems a bit flirty, and it's making you uncomfortable, do speak up.

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'Usually you will see a pattern of a particular [person] liking your [partner's] photos or commenting on any status updates,' Jennifer Seiter, a relationship expert, tells Bustle. 'If you see something like this it is best to talk to your partner immediately and approach [them] in a calm, non-threatening manner to lessen the likelihood of cheating before it starts.'

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You can brush it off or hope it doesn't mean anything, but when it comes to affairs, it can help to address red flags early on. 'The mistake I see [people] make is ignoring these signs,' Seiter says, 'and by the time they say something, it's too late because their [partner] is already invested in that other [person].'

Not all couples share their lives online. But if you used to post cute couple-y photos, and now your partner seems to be leaving you out, that could be a sign something's up.

'If you partner never includes you in photos or stops including you, this is a big sign they want to be seen as being single,' Isabel James, a relationship coach and founder of Elite Dating Managers, tells Bustle. They might be crafting an online life that looks much different from what's going on in reality, possibly so they can talk to people more freely.

In this situation, you can ask your partner why they're keeping your relationship private. They might have a legit reason. But if they can't answer the question, or if they try to change the subject, it could mean that something's up.

It's totally OK if your partner wants to talk to their ex, or follow them on social media. But take note if they're constantly chatting with them, posting inside jokes on their photos, or liking every. single. pic.

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As relationship therapist Rhonda Milrad, LCSW, founder of RelationUp, tells Bustle, flirtatious or ongoing comments to an ex may be a sign they are having poor boundaries, or that something else is going on.

Again, open communication will be key. Not only will it prevent you from lying awake at night wondering what's going on, but it will give your partner a chance to discuss why they might be feeling the need to get attention elsewhere. And from there, you can find ways to become close again.

It's not only about what your partner does on social media, but also how they act in real life, too. For example, 'if you've noticed a sharp increase in your partner's phone usage, that's definitely a red flag,' Herring says. It might mean they're chatting on a dating site, or messaging someone they don't want you to know about, especially if they're being secretive about it.

If you've noticed that it keeps happening, and you have a knot in your stomach as a result, speak up.'Mention to your partner that you noticed they put their phone down or closed browsers quickly,' Herring says. 'Come from a place of curiosity rather than blame. And then maybe springboard it into a conversation about your hopes and dreams for the relationship and it's future. You want your partner to see a future with you, not the other person that they've been chatting with online.'

Sharing what you want will also help you gauge your partner's commitment level. If they aren't cheating, they'll want to talk about these things, too. And will be just as excited about the future as you.

If your partner has a separate Instagram account — one where they never post about you — or another Facebook page that they use primarily for talking to friends you've never met, that's a red flag.

As Lavelle says, 'When social media accounts change or the postings start to change, it can be a big clue that your significant other could be cheating.'

While there are plenty of other explanations for a second account, or a joke posted on a ex's wall, if you have that gut feeling that something's going on, do bring it to your partner's attention.

You don't have to go looking for these problems, or be hyper vigilant for signs of change, but you can follow up if something seems out of the ordinary. By having a conversation about your relationship, you may be able to nip cheating in the bud before it happens. Or, at the very least, get to the bottom of why they're being unfaithful, so you can start to mend your relationship — or move on.

Experts:

Theresa Herring, LMFT, Chicago-area couples therapist

David Bennett, certified counselor and relationship expert at The Popular Man

Lee Wilson, breakup coach

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Jennifer Seiter, relationship expert

Justin Lavelle, relationship expert and chief communications officer at Been VerifiedHyper-v set static mac address.

Isabel James, relationship coach and founder of Elite Dating Managers